When I say no, I feel guilty
by Manuel J. Smith · first published 1975
76% recommend24% neutral
Why HN recommends it
Practical assertiveness training with easy-to-apply techniques for saying no, handling manipulation, and reframing criticism, whether reasonable or not. Suits people who feel anxious or guilty refusing requests.
Summarised by Claude from recommending comments
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Book recommendations in that respect: - "No more Mr. Nice Guy" Robert A. Glover: A great book on identification and elimination of nice guy behaviors with lots of exercises. - "When I say no I feel guilty" Manuel J. Smith: Techniques with lots of examples on how to stay assertive and deal with attempts to manipulate you into doing something. Relevant for dealing with colleagues, spouses, shop clerks, ...…
on “How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes” ↗Have a read of Manuel Smith's "When I say no, I feel guilty". The tools there are astonishingly effective at reframing one's relationship with criticism (reasonable or otherwise). Highly recommend.
on “Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?” ↗…man having trouble finding dates, or building the relationships and life they want. These mostly focus on building a good life and mental state for yourself, where becoming attractive is a byproduct. When I say no, I feel guilty by Manuel J. Smith No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover Models by Mark Manson Taking Responsibility by Nathaniel Brandon
on “'It's quite soul-destroying': how we fell out of love with dating apps” ↗There's a book that addresses that, and might be helpful to you: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" - Manuel J. Smith
on “Overwhelmed? Just Say 'No.'” ↗The Discourses of Epictetus - This is useful to re-read frequently while thinking about any new challenges in my life, as these are powerful tools for managing hardship and generally living well. When I say no, I feel guilty by Manuel J. Smith - a book on assertive and non-manipulative communication. This has been incredibly valuable for improving my personal relationships and work. It's also allowed me to recognize and defend…
on “Ask HN: What nonfiction books do you keep rereading?” ↗When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Never Split The Difference. The Gift of Fear. Those 3.
on “Ask HN: What's the "best" book you've ever read?” ↗That is anxiety, you either teach yourself or there is medication if there is bad enough. If it is just about saying 'no', read this book, it's helped a lot of people: When I say no, I feel guilty Book by Manuel J. Smith
on “How to talk to anyone – and why you should (The Guardian)” ↗Read the sidebar at /r/marriedredpill/. I think you would benefit from reading No More Mr Nice Guy, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Don't be turned off by the red pill language.
on “Ask HN: Are you ok?” ↗…about _receiving unconstructive_ one and I still missed that piece for my own assertiveness until I recently found something that clicked with me on that part: I got some great insights from the book "When I say No, I feel guilty" that were especially easy to put in practice and helped me to massively boost my own assertiveness and to me is an extremely valuable extension to NVC on dealing with attacks on the own assertiveness.…
on “Assertiveness is a virtue that anyone can develop with practice” ↗…competent even though I'm a bit on the spectrum like most of us. Here are the resources that taught me 80% of the basics taken together: - How to win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie) - When I say no, I feel guilty - Never eat alone (Keith Ferrazzi) - Conversation Tactics (Patrick King) - https://www.defmacro.org/2014/10/03/engman.html <- start here, biggest bang for the buck But by far the most important point…
on “Ask HN: Why is machine learning easier to learn than basic social skills?” ↗Plus, it's also a book on active manipulation (in a wider sense) and an even better when read after "When I say no I feel guilty" which deals with defending against manipulations. None of them can be read in an hour, nor can they be made a habit in a month.
on “Ask HN: What's the most valuable thing you can learn in an hour?” ↗Two books that have been useful to me are "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty".
on “A third of Americans now show signs of clinical anxiety or depression” ↗…because of a lack of assertiveness and a certain “fear” of being made fun of for asking for something The remedy is to go through assertiveness training, which the book covers. Another great book called When I say No I feel Guilty goes more in depth on this too
on “Donating my time to grow a VC-funded company: why I quit mentoring at Plato” ↗This is an essential skill for everyone to learn. The article lightly touches on how to learn to be more assertive. If you want a more thorough guide I highly recommend the book, When I Say No I Feel Guilty.
on “Assertiveness is a virtue that anyone can develop with practice” ↗I can recommend the books "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and "When I say no I feel guilty", they helped me a lot.
on “Parents’ trauma leaves biological traces in children” ↗