Difficult Conversations
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Drummer Fisher · first published 1999
78% recommend22% neutral
Why HN recommends it
Harvard Negotiation Project framework that splits a hard talk into facts, feelings and identity, with worked examples and concrete advice. Suits managers, CEOs and anyone giving feedback or facing conflict.
Summarised by Claude from recommending comments
From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought readers "Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations" provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. This edition includes a new chapter.
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Mentions per year
What Hacker News says
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Perhaps the most important book I've ever read is Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone. It's possible that my life is 10-20% easier since I read it, with zero hyperbole. It's not a breezy quick read, but my favourite sci-fi is always likely to be Cryptonomicon, by Neal…
on “Ask HN: Recommend one book I need to read this summer?” ↗…Meanwhile, I would have a larger conversation with the CEO. What is it exactly that makes working with him/her so hard? Can you discuss with them in a non confrontational manner? Check out the book Difficult Conversations for help on this: http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-M...
on “Help, I want to quit the startup I founded” ↗…course from the University of Michigan is decent, if you don't want to read. But the other course (from Yale?) - I would not recommend that as a starter. Communication Skills: https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-... https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-... https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Lif... Influence: https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Rober...…
on “As a software engineer, what's the best skill to have for the next 5-10 years?” ↗"Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most". I bought this on the strength of an HN suggestion. It's like Design Patterns for human conversations: the result of studying how people interact, common patterns that…
on “Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?” ↗I found this book very helpful in several difficult conversations over the years - https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-... It has quite practical advice as well as a framework helping one navigate.
on “A guide to difficult conversations” ↗…are technically. "I'm a SWE" doesn't begin to cover it.) Without any thought at all: - One Minute Manager - Debugging the development process - The Culture Code - The Five Dysfunctions of a Team - Difficult Conversations Take some negotiation and interviewing hands-on courses.
on “Ask HN: Books to read when you transform from SWE into SWE Management?” ↗…everyone safe, please check with HR or leadership on how to best deal with this situation if it impacts you, your team and your performance. For learning more on this kind of topic, I can recommend “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, and Sheila Heen.
on “Show HN: I built an app for when I talk too much in online meetings” ↗A mix of some excellent advice and some very poor advice. First, let me highly recommend the best book on conflict I've ever read (no affiliate link either): http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-what-M... Author nails some good points about talking about yourself, and looking for solutions. One thing I really disagree with - not walking away. It doesn't really make sense to talk to someone…
on “How to fight & argue in a relationship, how to fight fair” ↗…Start reading the "boss" essay with an eye to what it might be saying about you. Does it really matter what's in the last paragraph? You're red in the face by then. There's a really dense book called "Difficult Conversations" (Stone, Patton, Heen, Fisher) that covers, among other things, how people frame discussions in terms of their identity. I think if I had adsorbed that book better I would have predicted that this essay…
on “Coding Horror: Paul Graham's Participatory Narcissism” ↗My favorite book on conflict management, and dealing with bad situations as they're happening rapidly and getting to their root causes: http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-what-M... My favorite book on small business and why things usually go wrong: http://www.amazon.com/E-Myth-Revisited-Small-Businesses-Abou...
on “Ask HN: Books That Gratify One's Intellectual Curiosity?” ↗I recommend "Difficult Conversations", which is an excellent book on this topic. It gives many good examples of difficult conversations, analyzes them and provides great advice. http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-M...
on “Show HN: how to approach sensitive conversations ” ↗fsniper made a good recommendation with "How to Win Friends and Influence People." I'd also put in a recommendation for a book I stumbled upon when searching through Hacker News called "Difficult Conversations." http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-M... I got the same feeling from reading the book as the original recommender ( https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7762266 ): reading the…
on “Be Kind” ↗…research and builds a ver clear mental model. My only quibble is that the author should call "system 1" "the intuitive mind" and "system 2" "the deliberative mind" for the sake of better affordance. Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen: This is by the same group behind Getting to Yes. It presents a clear mental model for how to better predict the way your words will be perceived and how…
on “Ask HN: Favourite books on leadership?” ↗I can recommend this book: "Difficult Conversations" https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-...
on “Is Facebook’s Massive Open Office Scaring Away Developers?” ↗1. The power of a positive no 2. Black box thinking 3. Difficult conversations 4. Transcending loss 5. Braving the wilderness 6. Motherless daughters 7. The happy medium 8. Deep work 9. The golden sayings of Epictetus 10. The best interface is no interface 11. 101 essays that will…
on “Ask HN: Best books you read in 2017?” ↗