You Just Don't Understand
women and men in conversation
by Deborah Tannen · first published 1972
83% recommend17% neutral
Why HN recommends it
Explains how men and women tend to differ in conversational style, such as competing for status versus seeking connection, with examples like interrupting and overlapping speech; for anyone wanting to understand gaps.
Summarised by Claude from recommending comments
Just sit down and read it. Yes, you will want to throw it. You will want to forget it, but that is not possible. It will cross your mind and impact you when you would otherwise just get frustrated. There is one major error, when you read it and reflect on it, forget the gender comments, they are a distraction. Gender is not the answer, see the later book, "That's Not What I Ment" for more understanding. You will never have another conversation understanding the same again.
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…there's a lot on the history of those. Brilliantly written. Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics - the history, science and philosophy of comics. Plus it's a comic. Crucial Conversations - I added this to You Just Don't Understand on my 'Essential Guides for Anyone in a Relationship' list. Equally important for other areas of life. Deep Work on different ways people like/need to work. On Not Being Able To Paint (1950) by Joanna…
on “Ask HN: What is the best non-tech book you read this year?” ↗"You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen. The author discusses that often when conflict in communication arises between men/women, it resembles the same tensions in cross-cultural communication. The author discusses that…
on “Ask HN: What are the most eye-opening textbooks you have ever read?” ↗…reading about "the essay canon" recently. There was a paper that analysed the school essay readers and found that only one writer was added to the essay canon in the 1990s - Deborah Tannen: chapters from You Just Don't Understand. It so happens that I've been a huge fan of that book for decades, recommend it to everyone, have lent the book to many people, rarely go a week in life without understanding something in life better…
on “Great Essays and Essayists” ↗All these had a huge impact on me. The descriptions are inadequate, I've just tried to mention the subject matter. Deborah Tannen, You Just Don't Understand - how males and females talk different languages. Lakoff & Johnson, Metaphors We Live By - how our language and thoughts are built from a fabric of conceptual metaphors. Philosophy In The Flesh is about…
on “Ask HN: What are your favorite non-fiction books of all time?” ↗Highly recommend "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen. Tannen is a professor of linguistics. What you just describe is one of the typical difference in communication styles between men and women. Her other…
on “Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)” ↗You could try reading Deborah Tannen's classic You Just Don't Understand. I used to recommend it to everyone in a relationship I met! It's about different communication styles of men and women (and a lot more). Her previous book That's Not What I Meant! was about different…
on “What Is the Most Valuable Thing You Can Learn in One Hour?” ↗If you want an explanation of your wife's behavior, the book You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen discusses this topic in detail.
on ““It's not peaches and cream either for men”” ↗…0-06-080291-X, 1974. Fromm was a Freud student. It's a classic, originally published in about 1947. Men and women, whatever else they are, are not the same. For some insight into women, read: Deborah Tannen, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, William Morrow and Company, New York, ISBN 0-688-07822-2, 1990. Here Tannen wrote a popular book about her academic specialty; she has been a professor at Georgetown.…
on “Ask HN: To go or not to go college?” ↗"He Said, She Said by Deborah Tannen is a layperson's guide to gender communications." I would actually recommend "You Just Don't Understand" by the same author about how men and women talk to each other. Valuable in ways you cannot imagine.
on “What one book could give me a new, useful superpower?” ↗Yes, women spend a lot on cell phones. So, that means that they are interested in technology? Not really! Here's why: Read D. Tannen, You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation -- she's long been a prof at Georgetown. There learn that girls and young women want to get security from memberships in groups of other girls, and one of the main ways…
on “Women's magazines ignore technology and demean women” ↗…tone of voice, and boys pay attention to things, as a joke, maybe to hack the latch on the crib or get to the toy firetruck on the floor. For more, can read how the differences continue in D. Tannen, 'You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation'. Tannen became a famous professor at Georgetown University. Tannen's book is not at all "hateful", and neither is what I would write. And paying attention to Erich…
on “What's the scariest thing in the world? Ask your teenage daughter” ↗This reminds me of Deborah Tannen's book You Just Don't Understand. She's a professor of linguistics and the book talks a great deal about using language to demonstrate superiority vs using language to connect.
on “Tact Filters (1996)” ↗Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand" discusses this idea. I found it pretty interesting. Roughly, its thesis is that men typically interact with others in a competitive way, as if interactions are about status in a hierarchy; whereas typically…
on “Cultures where men and women don’t speak the same language (2017)” ↗I liked Deborah Tannen's remarks in the afterword of a reprint of "You Just Don't Understand". The book is about her observations that some conflict between men & women resembles inter-cultural conflict; i.e. men would talk with a different set of cultural attitudes than women. She said that…
Different cultural styles sometimes conflict. I liked Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand". She describes this pro-interruption style as "competitive", whereas pro-taking-turns is "collaborative". Of course, if you have some people whose ruleset is "compete/joust", and some whose ruleset…
on “The Church of Interruption (2018)” ↗