I don't want to talk about it
by Terrence Real · first published 1997
12mentions
7recommended by
9HN commenters
2013–2026first – last mentioned
78% recommend22% neutral
Why HN recommends it
Examines male depression as a hidden condition shown through anger, irritability, and withdrawal rather than sadness. It reframes the experience of depression and is suited to men and to those close to them.
Summarised by Claude from recommending comments
Terrence Real explains how many men, feeling the stigma of depression's 'unmanliness', conceal their condition from their families, friends and even from themselves. He brings into the open a topic that has been ignored for a long period of time.
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My therapist recommended a book to me a few months ago, and reading it honestly changed my life. It's called, "I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression", by Terrence Real. Read the summary here https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/06... The thesis of the book is about how depression…
on “I'm Wil Wheaton. I Live with Chronic Depression and Anxiety. I Am Not Ashamed” ↗"I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real, a relational therapist. The ideas in this 20-year-old book are just starting to catch traction, but basically it's that depression manifests…
on “Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?” ↗…that you can't even make your kids like you, you certainly can't control them. So whatever you do, choosing or not choosing is your choice. Some things that have helped me: Listen to the audiobook "I don't want to talk about it" by Terrence Real. Keep doing the therapy and maybe find another therapist if the one you have isn't helping. It sounds like you are cerebral so you may need to read a lot of self-help books and understand…
on “Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?” ↗I highly recommend I Don’t Want To Talk About It by Terry Real or The Will To Change by bell hooks (which extensively cites the former) on this topic. We don’t talk enough about the harm patriarchy inflicts on boys and men through emotional neglect…
on “Ignoring Boys' Emotional Needs Fuels Public Health Risks” ↗…Other highlights: The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt; re-read Thinking in Systems by Daniella Meadows; re-read Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon Kabat Zinn; The light eaters by Zoe Schlanger; I don't want to talk about it, by Terrence Real.
on “Ask HN: What were the best books you read this year?” ↗The top comment here recommends Emile Durkheim's Suicide book, which is a very good recommendation. I want to recommend another one, specifically about male depression, called I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real [1]. It's known that more men than women commit suicide, although more women are diagnosed with depression. The book argues that it's because male depression is often not overt, but…
on “Suicide rates highest ever among middle-aged men” ↗…usually it's more like, 'My grandmother died at age 87 so I know what you are feeling'. As you know, they do not (usually). They are just inexperienced in life. They mean well though. Again, I'd recommend "I don't want to talk about it". Feel free to interrupt early in their story.
on “Saying Goodbye to a Sister” ↗If it actually bothers you, all the ways you're programming your child without knowing it, check out a book called "I Don't Want To Talk About It: Overcoming The Legacy of Male Depression" by Terry Real.
on “How Inuit parents teach kids to control their anger” ↗Should definitely read I don't want to talk about it by Terrance Real which dives into this.
on “‘Success Addicts’ Choose Being Special over Being Happy” ↗Great book on this topic is I Don't want to talk about it by Terrance Real
on “Takeaways from coaching CEOs, founders and VCs” ↗There actually is research about men and women both turning away from men who are seeking emotional support. College age researchees, so YMMV. Research is referenced in Terrence real’s “I don’t want to talk about it.” Basically you have to learn to express emotions in the right way, and to the right people, at the right time. I had to train my therapist girlfriend not to freak out when I have strong, negative feelings.…
on “I am lonely will anyone speak to me” ↗…for that matter): Evelyn: Get married. Have a wedding. Bateman: No, I can't take the time off work. Evelyn: Your father practically owns the company. You can do anything you like, silly. Bateman: I don't want to talk about it. Evelyn: Well, you hate that job anyway. Why don't you just quit? You don't have to work. Bateman: Because I want...to fit...in. ————- Influencers are going to win this fight sadly.
on “The Anxiety of Influencers” ↗