Why does he do that?

Name: Why does he do that?
ISBN: 0425191656

Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft · first published 2002

29mentions

6recommended by

14HN commenters

2014–2026first – last mentioned

43% recommend57% neutral

Why HN recommends it

Explains abusive behavior and controlling patterns in relationships, helping readers recognize warning signs and see past excuses like alcohol or stress. For people in or leaving abusive relationships.

Summarised by Claude from recommending comments

Productivity & Self-Improvement

In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship. He says he loves you. So…why does he do that? You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about: • The early warning signs of abuse • The nature of abusive thinking •

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What Hacker News says

wpietri · Sep 9, 2016 · Recommends

Exactly my thought. For anybody interested in the topic of abuse, I strongly recommend, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men": http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/042519... It is the single most astute book I have read. The author, a domestic violence counselor…
on “Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”” ↗
wpietri · Sep 10, 2022 · Recommends

…That is also embarrassingly ignorant. If you'd like to learn something, maybe try Citron's "Hate Crimes in Cyberspace", Warren's "Targeted and Trolled", Jeong's "The Internet of Garbage", and Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That".
wpietri · Jun 5, 2014 · Recommends

…question of if that would come out, it was when. I find it hard to believe nobody internally asked that, but either way they are the ones to blame for the consequences, not Snowden. [1] Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?", http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/042519.... It's the single most astute thing I've read. It's one of those books where it's nominally about a relatively narrow topic, but I keep…
on “Snowden a 'traitor': Andreessen” ↗
wpietri · Nov 16, 2014 · Recommends

Seek out the stories of prominent women on the Internet. This stuff happens over and over and over. The first time it seems odd. But the 20th? Nope. Another way for it not to seem odd: Go read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. [1] (If anybody would like a copy, just contact me via email and I will send you your choice of paper or Kindle versions. I've given 12 away so far.) It's a book by a fellow who spent…
on “Still Here, Part 1: A Memoir” ↗
wpietri · Dec 14, 2018 · Recommends

Speaking of abusive bosses, let me recommend a favorite book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO It's Lundy Bancroft's, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It's the single most astute thing I've ever read. The guy spent more than a decade as a counselor for abusive men, most of them ordered to him by the courts.…
on “Dr. Elon and Mr. Musk: Life Inside Tesla's Production Hell” ↗
wpietri · May 30, 2021 · Recommends

…global society and its history is, I'd say we almost never totally understand anything we do. It's a big world, and people are universes unto themselves. One book you might read here is, Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It's written by a therapist who mainly dealt with men in court-mandated therapy programs related to domestic abuse. Few of the men ever saw themselves…
on “Please commit more blatant academic fraud” ↗
maybelsyrup · Feb 11, 2026 · Recommends

There's a book about male domestic violence perpetrators which you really ought to read. It's called "Why Does He Do That?". Author is Bancroft. The vast majority of men in the US are not abusers. But he describes a degree of entitlement to women -- their bodies and minds -- that, in my decades of clinical experience with…
on “The US is flirting with its first-ever population decline” ↗
wpietri · Jun 25, 2021 · Recommends

…of mental health issues or personality disorders: lots of people are just dickheads, and there’s no need to pathologise them. One of the important lessons I took away from a milestone book on abuse, "Why Does He Do That?" is that people really want to excuse harmful behaviors as illness. When often, repeated bad behavior happens because it works for the person in question.
on “Disproportionate amount of bad online behaviour stems from psychological issues” ↗
nabnob · Mar 30, 2020 · Recommends

…it is possible to address the victim's agency in an empathetic and caring way without insinuating that she is at fault for being a victim. There are resources that address this, like Lundy Barcroft's "Why Does He Do That?" In my case, I really had no concept of boundaries or what a healthy relationship looked like until I was well into adulthood. I only realized this four years after I was in an abusive relationship.…
on “For people with an abusive partner, lockdown means captivity” ↗
SamoyedFurFluff · Jun 25, 2021 · Recommends

I’d like to second “Why Does He Do That?”. Pointing out that abusive husbands often only break their wives’ stuff was a real eye opener for me in examining other people who harm others or lash out and then claim that they weren’t in control.…
on “Disproportionate amount of bad online behaviour stems from psychological issues” ↗
wpietri · Jan 26, 2023 · Recommends

…abusers are good at fooling people to get them into contexts where they can abuse. The ones not good enough at that end up alone, of course. For anybody who wants to actually understand the dynamic, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" is a great resource. Recently discussed on HN here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34497066
on “Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?” ↗
wpietri · May 22, 2014 · Recommends

…tend to blame brown people and the left. In both cases, though, it seems to me to be about pushing for their dominance. For those interested in the roots of MRA craziness, there's a great book called, "Why Does He Do That?" It's written by a guy who has run a program for abusive men for 15 years and is a great examination of the attitudes and behaviors that underlie abusive behavior. He doesn't mention the Internet in…
on “Mouthbreathing Machiavellis Dream Of A Silicon Reich” ↗
novia · Jul 4, 2017 · Recommends

Excellent point. I opened up the book "Why Does He Do That?" about abusers to find a relevant quote, but when I got back to the thread you had beat me to the punch. Here's what I was going to post: Alcohol does not a change a person’s fundamental value system.…
wpietri · Nov 23, 2017 · Recommends

…Development Flow". "Crossing the Chasm" is about how tech products get adopted. But its mindset around segmenting audiences and building credibility taught me a lot about any sort of social change. "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" is nominally about abuse in romantic relationships. But its insights about power and control have been useful to me way beyond that. E.g., so much behavior…
on “Ask HN: Books on specific topics that have applied to many areas of your life?” ↗
wpietri · May 5, 2018 · Recommends

For those for whom this excellent description has resonance, I strongly recommend the book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". [1] It's nominally written about domestic abuse, but its descriptions of abuser psychology and its taxonomy of abuser behaviors have been really helpful…
on “Moving Fast and Securing Things” ↗