Unconditional Parenting
by Alfie Kohn · first published 2005
85% recommend8% neutral8% critical
Why HN recommends it
Argues against rewards and punishment in favor of respectful, non-controlling parenting that lets children make decisions and learn from consequences; recommended as a starting point for parents rethinking discipline.
Summarised by Claude from recommending comments
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Mentions per year
What Hacker News says
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…everyone that offered advice and encouragement on this. Here's a few of the top resources that were shared for anyone else in a similar situation: http://parenting.stackexchange.com/ https://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Reward... https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/14516638... https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Overw... https://www.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurtu...…
on “Ask HN: Any experience with defiant children?” ↗Off the top of my head, "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn is a seminal text in the field. "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell is wonderful as well.
on “Kids Praised for Being Smart Are More Likely to Cheat” ↗Not going to list all fo them, but the one that will have the most immediate impact on not just my life is: "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn.
on “Ask HN: Books you read in 2018?” ↗You will resonate with Aktie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting which cites a lot of research confirming the long term futility and harm of extrinsic pressures encoded in common parenting practices and educational institutions.
on “The Intelligence Myth – Why I cringe when someone tells me my child is smart” ↗…make lots of decisions. You can still make your values known and prevent damage and injury but let them do as much as possible and learn what works. A great introduction to this type of thinking is Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.
on “Last Psychiatrist rebuttal to "why parents hate parenting"” ↗Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn has a great perspective on the reward/punishment question. Doesn't check all your boxes but worth checking out alongside other options.
on “Ask HN: Looking for books about raising kids” ↗I've recently found the work of Alfie Kohn and his books (Unconditional Parenting, Punished by Rewards - these I've read) it's heavily evidence-based (lot's of cited research). It challenges the status-quo but I really enjoy his perspective. The books aren't really about dealing…
on “Ask HN: Parents of HN, what are your best sources for evidence-based parenting?” ↗…sense that the children would also affect the fathers, if they're connected/"there" enough. Since I'm guessing there will be a bunch of parents in this thread, let me make a humble book recommendation: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn The Myth of the Spoiled Child by Alfie Kohn Kohn is an education researcher who's kind of an iconoclast. His research has focused heavily on what _helps_ children gain the knowledge, academic…
on “The biology of dads” ↗…reward. My own parents provided me many excellent counter-examples and anti-patterns, so before I had a kid I knew I wanted to do it very differently but I didn’t know exactly how. Alfie Kohn’s book, “Unconditional Parenting” informed my thinking about this significantly.
on “Bits of advice I wish I had known” ↗…"Your X-Year Old" series of books is often a good measuring stick to figure out age expected behaviors. Time ins, punishment, rewards, etc are all linked to short term wins -- not long term success. "Unconditional Parenting" is one of my favorite books on the subject. Finally, if this is a new behavior, it is possible there was an outside catalyst -- not what a parent wants to think about. Do work on giving your son tools…
on “Ask HN: Any experience with defiant children?” ↗Not related to tech, but "A Guide to the Good Live" (https://www.audible.com/pd/Nonfiction/A-Guide-to-the-Good-Li...) , "Unconditional Parenting" (https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/Unconditional-Pa...). These have really been mind altering. Both the books have challenged my beliefs and they make a lot of sense once you read them completely.
on “Ask HN: Which books have made you introspect?” ↗Playful Parenting; Raising sour Children, Raising Ourself; Unconditional Parenting. Three books I feel I can recommend.
on “Ask HN: Best Resources for a New Dad?” ↗There are ideas called "Taking Children Seriously" (TCS) and the UP (Unconditional Parenting is a book by Alfie Kohn) forum was closed down to avoid those ideas and the yahoogroup explicitly bans any discussion of TCS -- even when a newbie shows up and asks what TCS is and how it differs from…
on “What Makes Finnish Kids So Smart?” ↗Unconditional parenting hurts self-esteem, encourages immaturity and ill prepares children for life in the adult world. Alfie Kohn should retitle that book "How to Raise a Self-Centered A-Hole". Most things in life have strings…
on “Kids Praised for Being Smart Are More Likely to Cheat” ↗