Hold on to your kids
by Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Maté · first published 2004
70% recommend30% neutral
Why HN recommends it
Argues that parental attachment should outweigh peer influence as children grow, focusing on early childhood development. It is recommended for parents of young kids and for anyone thinking about screens.
Summarised by Claude from recommending comments
Canadian doctors Neufeld and Maté woke up one day to find that their children had become secretive and unreachable. Pining for time with friends, they recoiled or grew hostile around adults. Why? The problem, Neufeld and co-writer Maté suggest, lies in a long-established, though questionable, belief that the earliest possible mastery of the rules of social acceptance leads to success. In a society that values its economy over culture, the book states, the building of strong adult/child attachments gets lost in the shuffle. Multiple play dates, day care, preschool and after school activities gr
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…true: as parents we should trust our intuition with our kids much more, instead of what "experts" and other people say is best for them. A great book about parenthood (if you have older children too) is "Hold on to your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. Highly recommended.
on “Still Face experiment: What happens when a mother shows no response to a child?” ↗There is a good book about why parents matter, that addresses Harris's ideas: Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, a clinical psychologist. See: http://www.gordonneufeld.com/book.php
on “Do Parents Matter?” ↗I wish I had read Gabor Mate MD and Gordon Neufeld's book "Hold on to your kids" Here's Chapter one from the book on their website: https://drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/hold-on-to... There is a window of time from ages 0 to 5 in which critical aspects of a child, their…
on “Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?” ↗…you will have more time later. Now is the time to invest as much attention as you can into your child. It is the investment you can make now that will pay off massively later on. Recommended reading: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375...
on “Never waste your midlife crisis” ↗…pace, thanks to digital comms -- thanks facebook. Uncharted rough waters for a social species like ourselves. A good summary on X -- please ignore the tacky username. Similar sentiments in Gabor Mate's 'Hold on to your Kids'. https://twitter.com/TheBrometheus/status/1725303595908628684 "Most people use therapy the way humans are meant to connect with our 5 safety net systems, which we retained even up to 100 years ago:…
on “Adolescent boys struggle with disorganization and distraction” ↗…substitution for awareness, deep meaningful connection with your child, giving them a rich and fulfilling offline life, teaching them how to navigate dangers rather than isolating them from reality. Hold on to your kids[1] and instead of having to spy on them you will know them. Yes, Parental controls could, in theory, provide many many more protections. But given the trajectory of tech, capitalism, and the USA at large…
on “TIL: Parental Controls Aren't for Parents” ↗> I love it that you say you eschew the experts, then go on to cite a parenting book. I knew someone would say that :) Hold on to your Kids is not a parenting book though. It is a book about parenthood. It is not a book about what to do with your kids (when they misbehave or otherwise), but about who to be for your kids.
on “Still Face experiment: What happens when a mother shows no response to a child?” ↗Have you read "Hold on to your Kids"? It also asserts that peer groups can become the dominant influence, but the danger is that they overwhelm parental attachment. In other words, for the really important decisions (we're talking down…
on “Teacher Effects on Student Achievement and Height: A Cautionary Tale” ↗…rough ride when current overstimulated generation grows up. kids from 12 months watching youtube because parents need them to sit still? damn thats scary. even two year olds in my opinion is too young. "Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" talks about this that screen time is replacing connection (bond) between kids and parents. and bond is of most importance for raising children. which if you…
on “A look at the creative process behind Bluey and Cocomelon (2024)” ↗…changes/voyage through life. Half-time: to think what-the-hell-comes-next (only if you are 40+)(it won't resonate with a 20yo) Systemantics, Nexus: if you work in mega-big-corpos this will save your life Hold on to your kids, The anxious generation: if you got kids Strong Fathers Strong Daughters: (and mothers/sons) if you got kids (too Christian-y for my taste but an amazing 'manual' to manage the relationship with your…
on “Ask HN: What's your favorite book you've read?” ↗…Famille. I decided it's time to revisit some classics. I finished the "Sans Famille" a few days back. Those are quick/fast reads but with immense value/wisdom/philosophy. Next one is to re-read the "Hold on to your kids" by Neufeld & Maté.
on “Ask HN: What are you reading these days?” ↗…perspective on addiction that covers far more of the manifestations of addiction than most books I’ve read. Gabor has great intuitions about how the social fabric of addiction, recovery, and prevention. I read Hold On to Your Kids and enjoyed it, but I prefer many others in the category quite a bit more. I agree with what he says and I think it’s worthwhile information. Perhaps I just prefer another format in the context of childhood…
on “YouTube Addiction” ↗Agreed. I imagine it as the same conundrum discussed in this book, but a "connected" kid's peers now include the entirety of the internet https://drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/
on “Why young parents should focus on building trust with their kids” ↗There's a whole book on this called "Hold On To Your Kids." It feels a little hand-wavy, categorically dismissing all social media as evil, but the core message feels right: don't stop being a parent.
on “Childhood Friends, Not Moms, Shape Attachment Styles Most” ↗